Traveling Full Circle
June
2004:
I
try to find consolation while the radio is blasting and the window is rolled
down. The hot, humid Louisiana air is both
stifling and refreshing at the same time.
This state issued, battered, Ford Taurus station wagon is struggling to
maintain 60 on the wide open old country road. This is when and where I attempt
to exonerate myself for what I just did, leaving a child behind in a strange
place with a strange family. I maintain over and over that I cannot take them
home with me, its same justification I have used every single time for the past
15 years. Still, it never gets easier. I have gotten accustomed to the anguish
and have learned early on to stifle the emotions that find their way to the surface. It was necessary to create a coat of armor, a
protective shield that allows me to continue on each day in spite of these
things. Both the time alone in the car
and the music become my go to process to help me manage the guilt of having so
much to be grateful for, and the privilege of going home and hugging my kids at
night. Even though I know in my heart of hearts, what I just did was necessary.
It’s still one of the most difficult things I must do.
All child welfare professionals have defense mechanisms that we use as a strategy to help us deal with the anxiety and guilt we often feel in doing this kind of work. In this job, we do not work with numbers or products, but rather human beings who depend on us to help them in their most desperate and desolate times. It is a heavy task. My method of suppression says a lot about me as a person. Music and the road have always been my salvation. The deeper the soul of the sound, the faster the speed of the car, then the more effective its remedy. I was what you would have called a runner. But, the downside to the years of fleeing was the mental exhaustion that came with it and impossibility of keeping up with the pace.
So, when running became no longer effective, I was
driven to find other viable outlets to prevent me from going over the edge. Running
had taken me to the brink of drinking too much for way too long, isolating my
loved ones far too often, and being trapped in some of the darkest places with
no light in sight. So I inevitably had no
other choice but to change my strategy and become what I called “a voyager in life”. A sort of traveler in search of life’s
lessons and consciously gravitating toward things that had more meaning to me.
I wrote poetry,
“journaled” my thoughts, I listened more, talked less, and I allowed myself to feel
the emotions associated with pain, failure, and sadness, so I could have the
best opportunity to grow psychologically and spiritually. I forced myself to be
uncomfortable with and more receptive to things that were unfamiliar to me. In doing so, it has allowed me to develop a profound
appreciation of nature, a better understanding of the eminence of God’s
creations, and a deeper more in tuned sense of myself. Despite the probability of this sounding like
a big heap of Buddha gibberish, it simply meant I learned to traveled inward to
heal myself. Without a doubt, it has
definitely been the best road trip I’ve taken.
With that being
said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to constantly call myself out on my
bullshit. Trust me when I say that. Because
I know how I roll and if I don’t keep it real, I will instinctively revert back
to running. I have a tendency to quickly get lazy, scared, and inattentive, which
isn’t surprising as I never had a good track record of sticking around for a
while. And, I still fail, flail, and fall flat on my face more often than I
care to admit. The difference is now I know how to pull myself up, wipe myself
off, and stand up and try again.
That’s the trick my friends. Don’t stay down. It’s dark there. Plus, you will miss out on the grand prizes
that life is passing around. Let’s face it, we all have our own shit to deal
with in life; our cross to bear, our baggage to carry, whatever it is that you
choose to call it. But we can manage the heaviness by using our outlets. Just
make sure you use one that takes you places that are worth going. Don’t make
the same mistake I made, run until you are on empty. Let life teach you what
you need to know. You don’t want to wake
up one day only to realize you have been wasting every week waiting for Friday,
every year waiting for retirement, and all of your life waiting for happiness. Get. Busy. Living. My. Friends.
The abridged playlist that was
blasting with the windows rolled down:
Tuesday’s Gone, Lynyrd Skynyrd
Sweet Melissa, Allman Brothers Band
Born to Run, Bruce
Springsteen
Small Town, John Mellencamp
Like a rock, Bob Seger
Shooting Star, Bad Company
Swamp Gold Volume 1, 2 and 3
Midnight Special, CCR
Jesus Just Left Chicago, ZZ Top
Beast of Burden, Rolling Stones
Into the Mystic, Van Morrison
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