Traveling Full Circle

 

June 2004:

I try to find consolation while the radio is blasting and the window is rolled down.  The hot, humid Louisiana air is both stifling and refreshing at the same time.  This state issued, battered, Ford Taurus station wagon is struggling to maintain 60 on the wide open old country road. This is when and where I attempt to exonerate myself for what I just did, leaving a child behind in a strange place with a strange family. I maintain over and over that I cannot take them home with me, its same justification I have used every single time for the past 15 years. Still, it never gets easier. I have gotten accustomed to the anguish and have learned early on to stifle the emotions that find their way to the surface.  It was necessary to create a coat of armor, a protective shield that allows me to continue on each day in spite of these things.  Both the time alone in the car and the music become my go to process to help me manage the guilt of having so much to be grateful for, and the privilege of going home and hugging my kids at night. Even though I know in my heart of hearts, what I just did was necessary. It’s still one of the most difficult things I must do.

 All child welfare professionals have defense mechanisms that we use as a strategy to help us deal with the anxiety and guilt we often feel in doing this kind of work. In this job, we do not work with numbers or products, but rather human beings who depend on us to help them in their most desperate and desolate times. It is a heavy task. My method of suppression says a lot about me as a person.  Music and the road have always been my salvation.  The deeper the soul of the sound, the faster the speed of the car, then the more effective its remedy. I was what you would have called a runner.  But, the downside to the years of fleeing was the mental exhaustion that came with it and impossibility of keeping up with the pace. 

So, when running became no longer effective, I was driven to find other viable outlets to prevent me from going over the edge. Running had taken me to the brink of drinking too much for way too long, isolating my loved ones far too often, and being trapped in some of the darkest places with no light in sight.  So I inevitably had no other choice but to change my strategy and become what I called “a voyager in life”.  A sort of traveler in search of life’s lessons and consciously gravitating toward things that had more meaning to me.

 I wrote poetry, “journaled” my thoughts, I listened more, talked less, and I allowed myself to feel the emotions associated with pain, failure, and sadness, so I could have the best opportunity to grow psychologically and spiritually. I forced myself to be uncomfortable with and more receptive to things that were unfamiliar to me.  In doing so, it has allowed me to develop a profound appreciation of nature, a better understanding of the eminence of God’s creations, and a deeper more in tuned sense of myself.  Despite the probability of this sounding like a big heap of Buddha gibberish, it simply meant I learned to traveled inward to heal myself.  Without a doubt, it has definitely been the best road trip I’ve taken.

 With that being said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to constantly call myself out on my bullshit. Trust me when I say that.  Because I know how I roll and if I don’t keep it real, I will instinctively revert back to running. I have a tendency to quickly get lazy, scared, and inattentive, which isn’t surprising as I never had a good track record of sticking around for a while. And, I still fail, flail, and fall flat on my face more often than I care to admit. The difference is now I know how to pull myself up, wipe myself off, and stand up and try again.

That’s the trick my friends. Don’t stay down.  It’s dark there.  Plus, you will miss out on the grand prizes that life is passing around. Let’s face it, we all have our own shit to deal with in life; our cross to bear, our baggage to carry, whatever it is that you choose to call it. But we can manage the heaviness by using our outlets. Just make sure you use one that takes you places that are worth going. Don’t make the same mistake I made, run until you are on empty. Let life teach you what you need to know.  You don’t want to wake up one day only to realize you have been wasting every week waiting for Friday, every year waiting for retirement, and all of your life waiting for happiness. Get.  Busy. Living. My. Friends.

 

                 The abridged playlist that was blasting with the windows rolled down:

Tuesday’s Gone, Lynyrd Skynyrd

Sweet Melissa, Allman Brothers Band

Born to Run, Bruce Springsteen

Small Town, John Mellencamp

Like a rock, Bob Seger

Shooting Star, Bad Company

Swamp Gold Volume 1, 2 and 3

Midnight Special, CCR

Jesus Just Left Chicago, ZZ Top

Beast of Burden, Rolling Stones

Into the Mystic, Van Morrison

All things Otis Redding, Sam Cooke, Percy Sledge and Aretha