All the Hard and Wonderful things

 

June 1992

It’s Saturday morning and the traffic in downtown New Orleans is moving at the pace of a slug.  It doesn’t help that the construction on Poydras street has decreased the passageway to one lane.  I don’t want to disappoint him by being late.  This kid’s short life has been saturated with adults who have let him down, the last thing he needs is another one. It’s his 11th birthday, and he woke up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital.  So, I want his special day-pass to be memorable.  Today, I am picking him up in a red mustang convertible, gifts in tow, and ready to spend the day doing whatever and how ever he chooses. Alas, I am already 20 minutes late by the time I get to the parking garage.  As I finally make it up the elevator and open the door to the corridor, he is standing there with his hands in his pockets undoubtedly surprised that I kept my promise like I said I would. He is so used to being disappointed by the adults in his life that it probably takes a second or two for him to process that it’s me actually standing in front of him.

 

    There was just something about this kid that I could never explain. I allowed him to infiltrate that protective coating that I was taught to safeguard. As hard as we all try to maintain that professional boundary with the kids in our case load, there is always one that pierces the periphery of our heart regardless of the thickness of the lining that surrounds it. The particular kid that found his way into mine was a 11-year-old boy. Although I already had a natural tendency to bond easier to the boys in my caseload, no one had ever gotten this close to my heart and no one has been in this close of proximity ever since.

 Looking back, I guess I saw a lot of myself in that kid.  Life had dealt him a tough hand, and he was struggling to navigate through it. On the exterior, he emulated toughness with an ill tinge of indifference but, deep down he was a just a boy who wanted to feel loved, cared for and understood.  I got that, and I got him. 

By that time, I had already become a mother to two kids of my own. As I drove home that evening, I tried to process the guilt of leaving them with a sitter so that I could spend the day with someone else’s kid.  I hoped in my heart that as they got older they would come to understand why I did it.  If I was to teach my kids about love, compassion and service, it was important to show them what that looked like in reality. I had always believed that I chose this job because I loved kids. But, just maybe this job had a bigger purpose- to teach me how to truly love my own kids.

After I put my children to sleep that night I wrote this note to them.  Although they were too young to understand it at the time, I hoped to give it to them when they were older.  But after the day that I had just had, I needed them to know how much I loved them and how lucky I felt to be chosen as their mom.

If I die tomorrow, I want you to know ...

I loved you with every piece of my heart. I spent each day watching over your back, believing in you, attempting to live my life as an example of love, acceptance and kindness so you would have a chance to grow up to be amazing humans that love, not with a fair-weather love, but with a love that accepts and cherishes unconditionally.

 Every single day I have been granted two specific joys, waking up in the morning to your smiling face and tucking you into bed each night.  Some parents are not so lucky, so I treasure that opportunity and hope you will do the same when you have kids of your own.

I need you to know that life is not fair, so don’t waste your time waiting for it or complaining about it. There will always be someone more blessed, smarter, more confident, and better liked than you. You can learn a lot from them. On the other hand, there will also be those who are less articulate than you, more insecure, more maltreated, and shyer than you. Show those compassion. 

 You will learn that every person you meet has traveled a different road to get to their destination- some much bumpier than yours. So give them grace.  Accept their differences along with their morals, values, and beliefs that accompany them. Life is full of twists and turns that inevitably influence our individual choices such as, who we love, what we believe and the decisions regarding our health, body and minds.   Don't show support for or argue with others about decisions that are not yours to make on these matters. On the other hand, help promote and stand for laws that foster fairness, equality and that will raise the standard of living for you, your children and grandchildren. Never forget, there is a big difference between personal beliefs and individual choices. Never mistake the two of them

And lastly,  I made it through life with the help of many amazing people. I hope you're as lucky in this realm as I am. Everyone you meet has something to teach you, regardless of age, race, gender, or class.  Some will be brief encounters; others will stick around for a lifetime. Accept each of them unconditionally.  Build your village with love. It will make you a better person and the world a much better place.  Love Mom

Those words still echo in my heart. I can only hope that I instilled much of this wisdom in my two kids, all grown now. As a mother we never stop worrying about our kids regardless of their age, the same way a child welfare worker never stops wondering about the kids in their caseloads over the years.  I often think about that little 11-year-old boy (who by the way is 41 years old now). And how lucky I was to be his social worker! He taught me how to be a better mom. And for me, that was one of the greatest lessons this job taught me. I can only hope I taught him something in return.