The Easiest Lie We Tell Ourselves

 

April 2009

The utter excitement that crossed her tiny face when he walked into the room is something I will never forget.  She had not seen her father in three years, but in her simplistic perception of time it seemed more like an eternity.  Her parents were no longer together, and the day they separated was the last time she has laid eyes on him. She had spent almost every one of those nights praying that she would wake up in the morning and he would be home again. It was one of the first glimpses of her life story she shared with me the day I drove her to meet her foster family. It was apparent that her short time on this Earth had been both turbulent and unsettling in his absence, and she longed for the element of stability he once provided.  As scary as foster care felt, at least it offered some sense of security in the midst of her muddled, chaotic world. A welcoming feeling that she’d lost but had never forgotten. Watching through the observation window, I was certain that she believed her knight in shining armor had just arrived to rescue her and she’d now live happily ever after. Although I could easily distinguish between her naivety and reality, I unconsciously believed it myself if only for an instant. 

The easiest lie we tell ourselves in child welfare is that every foster care story is going to have a happy ending. It is what drives us in this line of work. A wave of our magic wand will give us the power to repair humanity and all of its ills. 

Most children come into foster care because they or their families are experiencing a crisis.  It is designed to be a temporary, often brief arrangement, as it should be, until they can return safely to their parents or a more permanent alternative can be found for them.  So if we are lucky in that abbreviated time, we can securely tape up the wounds that have the deepest incisions so that the healing process for the family can begin. Unfortunately, the skills like those required to co-parent are often one of the least significant behavior changes we are able to address in such a short span.

 Regardless of which lens you might be viewing it through, family separation is not a pretty portrait in any circumstance. However, it is compounded immensely for kids who are maneuvering through the foster care system. I can still recall how it pained me deeply to watch that little girl’s excitement unfold.  I, too, had been a child of divorce in which my father was not in the picture. That was an extremely painful experience for me, and some of the long term effects still linger even at age 55.  

I think that is why I worked so diligently to be an adept co-parent with my children’s father. Now I’ll be the first one to admit that maintaining that cohesive partnership was an often emotional and arduous task. My kids are both adults now, and although we’ve made it through the trickiest and toughest of terrains, the road is still bumpy at times. Co-parenting take serious, labor intensive, and relentless effort by both parents.  But if you are looking for an alternative, there isn’t any, nor should there ever be.

 Looking back, I am not sure which had a heftier influence on my beliefs about co-parenting, my job or my childhood experience.  But I do know one thing for sure, both have undeniably reinforced one of the greatest truths in life’s little instruction book; the certainty that divorce in itself will not destroy our children, but our reaction to it has the power to debilitate their wellbeing forever. As parents, we are charged with the responsibility of helping children navigate through the transitions that family separation generates, so that they can continue to flourish in its aftermath. 

Research has shown that a happy, stable childhood is imperative for positive growth and development. So it goes without saying that our effectiveness as co-parents will greatly impact our children’s ability to function constructively and cohesively as adults. And it is important for us to remember that as parents we procure the role of curator of our children’s memories. Therefore, it is vital that we create a gallery of portraits worthy of revisting from time to time.  So, to be certain of your place in their recollections tomorrow, you must start by being in their lives today.

Co-Parenting 101 The Cliff Notes  Lifeaccordingtopi edition

No matter how bad it gets, don’t bash your co-parent in front of the kids. Most likely you once loved the other parent enough to have children together. You may have now fallen out of love with them, but remember your children never will. Co- parenting should never be a competition. Over time, your child will make their own decisions about how they feel about a parent, without the underpinning of your personal baggage.

Children don’t want to be stuck in the middle. Do not ask them to spy on or relay information to the other parent. Communicate like adults. Find a friend who will listen to your grumbles, be your ally, or keep your secrets. That is too big of a burden for a kid.

Don’t air your dirty laundry, directly or implied, on social media, among large groups or in front of other children.  Gossip and hearsay have a way of spreading like a wild fire and will inadvertently make its way back to your children. 

Children have a desire to stay connected to their ancestry and heritage. When they are separated from a parent, it means children also lose their extended family and a chunk of the fabric that comprises their unique tapestry. This can result in feelings of loss and their sense of belonging and connectivity. Families are like the branches on a tree; they may grow in different directions, yet the roots will remain as one 

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep. If you say you will do it, then keep your word. But keep in mind kids do not need to be bought love with lavish things, most of the time a pack of cheddar goldfish, a can of character band aids, or your undivided attention is all they need to make them happy.

Kids want one birthday party.  Splitting important milestones loses its significance. Children need your presence far more than your presents. Put your differences aside for one day out of the year, and focus on making your child feel loved and supported on their special day.  Nothing is more gratifying to child’s heart like seeing all of their family together to celebrate them.

Once you become a parent, you are parent forever. It is your responsibility to guide, discipline, and teach your children. Divorce does not give you the opportunity to quit your job and become the “fun” uncle or aunt. Kids need parents, not a part-time visitor with a checkbook.